Breakfast

My oatmeal this morning was so hot that it melted the plastic spoon I was using to stir it.

I was hungry, so I ate it anyway even though there was the chance I was eating melted plastic.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to get cancer.

Multiple Choice Quiz

On Thursday, August 5th between 10:06pm and 11:08pm I...


a) leisurely read a novel
b) showered and got ready for bed
c) packed my lunch and laid out my clothes for work on Friday
d) explained to my mother how to scan and email a pdf file


Hint: My voice is a little hoarse from exclaiming at least four times "You have to sign into your yahoo account BEFORE you attach the file!!!"

Most Uttered Phase of July...

Me: I'm sorry, I was holding my 4G Iphone like a phone instead of flat in the palm of my hand, so I lost reception...can you say that again please?!?!

Houston Update

Just incase you guys thought I put aside my sun phobia when I moved to Houston, I offer the following:

My roommate and I were walking her dog and she asked me if I could run back into the house to grab a plastic bag for a her to use as a poop and scoop. When I arrived back outside with the bag she said:

"When you walked back outside I thought you were wearing gloves to avoid getting anywhere near the poop....but then I realized your hands are just REALLY REALLY PALE. From far away it looks like you're wearing gloves."

I'm just taking this as a sign that the Lubriderm SPF 15 hand lotion I bought is doing its job.

My Heart Has Been Officially Stolen...

By this guy...

Problem Solving: Texas Style

The area I park in at work is virtually abandoned when I exit the building around 6:30pm each day. It already kinda freaked me out because at 6:30 it's pitch black outside. However, the other night it REALLY freaked me out because a car with four guys in it drove into the parking lot (a parking lot that was empty but for myself and my car) and watched me enter my car. It was very apparent that the four of them could have easily overtaken me as I tried to enter my car and there would have been no witnesses around to call the police.

I told this story to my co-worker who told me when someone creepy is on the driver side of your car, you're supposed to enter on the passenger side, immediately lock the doors, move into the driver's seat from the passenger's seat, and quickly put the keys in the ignition and drive away.

I was in the middle of pondering if I thought this was a good plan or not when her husband offered the following advice:

"Or you could just get a concealed carry permit and shoot the guys"

Oh Texas.....

I present to you all....

what will probably be the #1 single in the UK this week...

Goodbye Utah, Hello Texas

Apparently I am now in a land where the appropriateness of wearing cowboy boots in the workplace needs to be discussed SEVERAL times during orientation.

I think my last haircut MIGHT have been a bad one...

New hairstylist: So....you cut your own bangs?

Me: Um...no....

New Hairstylist: Wow, I'm sorry....

Me:....

To My Mom, I Will Always Be 10 Years Old

Me: (helping my Mom with some legal documents) Okay Mom, you need to file the Petition first, but remember you have to sign it in front of a notary before you file it.

Mom: This all sounds complicated. Are you sure I shouldn't hire a lawyer to do all this?

Me: MOOOOOMMM...I AM a lawyer!!

Mom: Oh yeah...

Goodbye Utah Pt 1

I went to the UVU dental clinic to get my teeth cleaned and x-rayed for $40. It was an awesome deal AND an awesome reminder about what I will NOT miss about Utah County.

Me: (sits down in dental chair)

Hygienist: So...what do you do?

Me: I'm completing my pre-requisites to go to graduate school. I want to be a physician's assistant.

Dental Hygienist: Oh that's great! Okay, let's have a look here. (I open my mouth) Looks like you have a scar on your forehead, another scar on your chin, a canker sore on the edge of your lips, and...oh! there's another canker on your gums. Do you get those a lot?

Me: (feeling attractive) Um....yeah....

Dental Hygienist: Soooo...you said you're going to go to graduate school?

Me: Yep

DH: Wait, are you going or did you mean your husband?

Me: (confused look)

DH: Oh silly me! You're not married! You're not wearing a ring!

I wanted to sarcastically say "Yeah, the silliest assumption you made today was that I'm married," but I didn't because I didn't want her to angrily poke me in the gums with that metal scraper thingy.

Chanukah

Today a 2nd grade girl gave a presentation to the rest of the class about Chanukah. I was really worried about the reaction of the LDS and Catholic kids when the whole "Jewish people don't believe Jesus was the Messiah" thing came up, however, things started out really well.

2nd grade boy: So, if you burn the candles down every night, how do you not run out of candles in eight nights?

2nd grade girl giving presentation: Well...we buy more than eight candles at the store.

2nd grade boy: OOOOHHHHHH

Later

2nd grade girl: Do the candles have to be certain colors?

Girl giving presentation: No, they can be any color you want!

Me (SO GRATEFUL the kids are more focused on candles than Jesus): Okay, any last questions?

2nd grade boy raises his hand

Me: Yes, Randall?

2nd grade boy: The other night my dad and I were reading the Bible, and it says that the Jews were the ones that killed Jesus.

I think it's the first time I've AUDIBLY groaned after a student has said something.

A New Low

Today when my alarm when off I told myself that if I got out of bed I could eat a cookie.

I can't believe I've resorted to bribing myself with snack foods to get out of bed in the morning.

I'm pretty sure I'm regressing in this game we call life.

If I could prosecute guys like this...

I would ALMOST consider being a prosecuting attorney.

He has money stained with dye and a gun in his car, but he thinks he's hot stuff for "creatively" disposing of the stick up note...BRILLIANT!

** And when I say "creatively," I really mean stupidly...as in stupidly eating your way to ANOTHER felony ((1) bank robbery, (2) tampering with evidence).

*** Don't miss the look on his face at 0:33!!!

YouTube Video of the Week - Ant and Dec Pt 3

I love Ant and Dec because they send small children to interview stars like Victoria Beckham when they're "too busy."

Highlight of the interview:

Small child to Victoria Beckham: What does conceived mean?

Victoria: Conceived means...where....where...where....ummmmm

You know you teach in Herriman, Utah when...

Me: Which religious sect left England to escape religious persecution and later formed the Plymouth colony?

Several Students: The Mormons!

Me: No, that religion was not invented yet...try again.

Girl: Um...LDS??

Me: No...there are other religions guys!!

Students: (blank stares)

Finally, one musters the courage to speak:

Boy: Buddhists?

Me: No

Girl: Christians??

Several Students: Yeah! Christians!!

Me: No, um...that's too broad. Try again.

One boy eventually said "Puritans," but it took us about five minutes to get there.

R.I.P.

The twins were voted off of X factor this weekend.

I will miss the way they made me laugh and my ears cry.

Today was a good day at school...

because no one decided to amputate their own mole with safety scissors.

Why I'm done with dating

I recently turned down a guy who asked me out b/c

1) During our conversation he told me that he fully expects to go from dating to engaged in 2 weeks,

2) I know for a fact the last girl he went on a date with told him to never call or speak to her again after they watched a movie alone in his basement, and

3) I met him at his family's bbq and after 3 hours of him never leaving my side, scooting his lawn chair so close to mine that the arms overlapped, and finding any excuse to touch my arm and/or leg and/or lower back, I decided it was WAY past the time for me to go home. As I walked to my car, one of his relatives caught up to me and said "everyone in the house is talking about you guys and how inappropriate he was." The mere thought of his whole family inside their house talking about me made me want to crawl under a rock and die of awkwardness.

4) When I got home 10 minutes later, I saw that he had added me on facebook. I didn't add him.

5) In spite of my non-add on facebook, he had his cousin ask me a week later if I would go out with him...I said no.

6) A month later, I found out he was still pestering people for info about me (in spite of #4 and #5 above). Also, he's trying to arrange it so that we will bump into each other at social engagement. WTF?

Needless to say, I'm trying to avoid all possible social situations where I could run into him again. Dinner at my house anyone?

John and Edward Pt 2

I try to save YouTube videos for Thursdays, but John and Edward's performance on the X Factor Saturday night warrants a non-Thursday video post. I think you'll agree b/c:

1) The shiny suits are back! This time complete with mirrored sequins!

2) The vocal coaches at X Factor must be miracle workers b/c I only shuddered ONCE during the entire 3 minute performance (Actually, it might not be miracle work as much as the fact that the coaches finally decided to go with the flow/face reality: "If you can't say the rap part fast enough to stay on rhythm just use half words! Saying 'fel' instead of 'felony' sounds great! No one will notice!").

3) However, the dance coaches might need to start applying for other jobs as demonstrated by John (or was it Edward?) nearly falling on his face 3 seconds into the performance and the disturbing conga line that formed at 1:27. On the other hand, part of the reason I watch this show is for the bad dance moves, so maybe the choreographers need a raise...

4) I was halfway through the thought "Why are John and Edward performing all these MC Hammer/Vanilla Ice moves?" when I was accosted by four backup dancers wearing hammer pants, two-toned suits with no shirts underneath, and shoulder pads. Then, because there is a God, these four dancers were joined by ten other other dancers who were just as awesomely attired.

5) Someone from the audience jumps onstage and starts dancing with the boys around 2:27. If you look closely, you'll see that he performs some kind of "dance" that involves slapping your butt while wearing a pineapple on your head...awesome.