Breakfast

My oatmeal this morning was so hot that it melted the plastic spoon I was using to stir it.

I was hungry, so I ate it anyway even though there was the chance I was eating melted plastic.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to get cancer.

Multiple Choice Quiz

On Thursday, August 5th between 10:06pm and 11:08pm I...


a) leisurely read a novel
b) showered and got ready for bed
c) packed my lunch and laid out my clothes for work on Friday
d) explained to my mother how to scan and email a pdf file


Hint: My voice is a little hoarse from exclaiming at least four times "You have to sign into your yahoo account BEFORE you attach the file!!!"

Most Uttered Phase of July...

Me: I'm sorry, I was holding my 4G Iphone like a phone instead of flat in the palm of my hand, so I lost reception...can you say that again please?!?!

Houston Update

Just incase you guys thought I put aside my sun phobia when I moved to Houston, I offer the following:

My roommate and I were walking her dog and she asked me if I could run back into the house to grab a plastic bag for a her to use as a poop and scoop. When I arrived back outside with the bag she said:

"When you walked back outside I thought you were wearing gloves to avoid getting anywhere near the poop....but then I realized your hands are just REALLY REALLY PALE. From far away it looks like you're wearing gloves."

I'm just taking this as a sign that the Lubriderm SPF 15 hand lotion I bought is doing its job.

My Heart Has Been Officially Stolen...

By this guy...

Problem Solving: Texas Style

The area I park in at work is virtually abandoned when I exit the building around 6:30pm each day. It already kinda freaked me out because at 6:30 it's pitch black outside. However, the other night it REALLY freaked me out because a car with four guys in it drove into the parking lot (a parking lot that was empty but for myself and my car) and watched me enter my car. It was very apparent that the four of them could have easily overtaken me as I tried to enter my car and there would have been no witnesses around to call the police.

I told this story to my co-worker who told me when someone creepy is on the driver side of your car, you're supposed to enter on the passenger side, immediately lock the doors, move into the driver's seat from the passenger's seat, and quickly put the keys in the ignition and drive away.

I was in the middle of pondering if I thought this was a good plan or not when her husband offered the following advice:

"Or you could just get a concealed carry permit and shoot the guys"

Oh Texas.....

I present to you all....

what will probably be the #1 single in the UK this week...

Goodbye Utah, Hello Texas

Apparently I am now in a land where the appropriateness of wearing cowboy boots in the workplace needs to be discussed SEVERAL times during orientation.

I think my last haircut MIGHT have been a bad one...

New hairstylist: So....you cut your own bangs?

Me: Um...no....

New Hairstylist: Wow, I'm sorry....

Me:....

To My Mom, I Will Always Be 10 Years Old

Me: (helping my Mom with some legal documents) Okay Mom, you need to file the Petition first, but remember you have to sign it in front of a notary before you file it.

Mom: This all sounds complicated. Are you sure I shouldn't hire a lawyer to do all this?

Me: MOOOOOMMM...I AM a lawyer!!

Mom: Oh yeah...