YouTube Video of the Week - Man Cold

Last week while I had a cold, I took an anatomy test, a physiology test, and an anatomy lab practical (the cold actually came in really handy as it prevented me from actually smelling the cadavers...SICK). I also substitute taught 3 days (before I realized I was sick...I'm very good at denying these things) and babysat some of my friend's kids (don't worry, they were the ones that gave me the cold, so I didn't infect them).

This week my friend Stephanie has a cold. She taught four days of school in English and Spanish, worked on lesson plans, held parent/teacher conferences, and attended classes at night to obtain her gifted learner teaching credential.

Her boyfriend Caleb also has a cold. He hasn't left the house in 5 days. Also, having any conversation with him that does not include the topic of "my head hurts" proves difficult.

9th Grade Vocab Lesson: Part 2

Scene: I'm reviewing commonly misused words with the 9th graders. Examples of this would include: accept/except, council/counsel, that/who, then/than, etc.

Me: Okay, so the next two commonly confused words are "that" and "who." Remember to use "who" with humans, for example, "Anyone who wants a piece of gum can have one," but use "that" with non-humans and objects. For example, "The horse that I bought yesterday."

(sarcastic snickering from the back of the class)

Me: Um...can I help you guys back there? What's so funny?

Note: The boy I called on says the following in this "game, set, match" kind of voice. I wouldn't have been surprised if after delivering this sentence he had gotten out of his seat, high fived his buddies, and yelled "in your face!!"

Boy: We just want to know how it's possible that a horse isn't human.

Me:......

Boy: I mean, it's alive.

Me:......

After all the hell this boy has put me through, I really wanted to laugh in his face. However, I'm the teacher, and I have to be responsible.

So I let the students laugh in his face while I stood there calming explaining that a horse is an animal and not a human.

On a side note, how am I supposed to teach kids the difference between "affect" and "effect" if they don't know the difference between humans and animals?!?!?!

9th Grade Vocab Lesson: Part 1

Female 9th Grader: (laughing so hard she can barely breathe)

Male 9th Grader: She's having a Caesar!!!!

Me: (laughing so hard I can barely breathe) Matthew, Caesar was a dictator of the Roman Empire. I think you meant 'she's having a seizure.'

YouTube Video of the Week - John and Edward

I have to admit, when I first saw one of my favorite acts on the current season of X factor, I thought they were crap. Mostly because they are, in fact, crap.

But somehow they made it to the live show, and now I love to watch them every week because...

1) They wear fabulous outfits.

2) They accidently punch each other in the face when attempting generic dance moves.

3) Every week as the show gets closer to the final, I LOVE LOVE LOVE to watch the horror on Simon's face as he realizes he might have to give these two a million pound recording contract.

**Note: If your ears can make it to the 1:00 mark, you'll be well rewarded.

My New Subbing Plan

9th Grader to me: You could probably kill someone with one of those stilettos.

Me: That's why I wore them.

And again....

4th period class

Me: So does anyone have any questions about the resume assignment?

(student raises hand)

Me: Yes?

Student: Are you married?

Me: (puts head down on desks, ponders how teachers ever get ANYTHING done)

Another Day Another Dollar

I've been subbing in South Salt Lake a lot this school year, which so far has been a refreshing experience compared to subbing in downtown Salt Lake. Unlike downtown Salt Lake City, students in South Jordan seem capable of watching movies and completing word-searches without carving gang symbols into their desks. Also, students in South Jordan don't hit on me as often, which is awesome because then I don't feel like a pedophile on days I sub there.**

However, I have to hand it to the ghetto Salt Lake kids, I never ran into this problem when I subbed in that district.

Me: (wearing University of Kentucky sweatshirt)

15 year old: So did you go there for college?

Me: No, but I'm from there.

15 year old: Oh, are you scared to go back?

Me: (confused) Um....why?

15 year old: Well, it's in Texas, right?

Me: Um....no, it's a state.

15 year old: Oh.....

I really wanted to ask her why Texas is "scary," but I was too busy attempting to act professional and not laugh at her.

**Note: Ten minutes after posting this two students asked me for my phone number...wtf?!?!

Soooo...

I don't want to start this on too self-deprecating a note, but this is the most recent amusing story in my life.

Tonight I was picking up some friends at the airport from a weekend in New York City, and the following conversation ensued.

Darrin (married to Kristina): Hey Honey! Tell her what I found in the subway!

Kristina: Oh yeah! So we're standing in the subway, and I'm looking at the map all frustrated because I can't figure out where we're going when Darrin taps me on the shoulder and says, "Look what I found on the tracks!" It's a blackberry. He saw a blackberry on the tracks and crawled down to get it while I was looking at the map. Crazy, huh?

Me: Yeah, that's TOTALLY CRAZY!!

So I get them home where Kristina and I start talking in the kitchen. We're in mid-conversation when all of a sudden Darrin bursts out with:

Darrin: I have some weed.

Kristina and Me: (turn and look perplexed...Darrin and Kristina are LDS...not exactly the weed smoking type)

Darrin: Ha! It's a text message in the blackberry. (holds up phone that is definitely not a blackberry)

Me: (confused) Um...that's not a blackberry.

Kristina: It's the sim card from the blackberry. Darrin put the sim card from the blackberry into his phone because the blackberry was out of battery. Now he can read through the phone book and text messages to try to figure out who it belongs to.

Me: Where did Darrin get a lost blackberry?!?!

Kristina: In the subway! We already told you this!

Me: (realizing I was dumb enough to think Darrin crawled into the depths of the NYC subway system for a piece of fruit instead of a multi-hundred dollar piece of electronic equipment) Um...I think I should go home now.