Goodbye Utah Pt 1

I went to the UVU dental clinic to get my teeth cleaned and x-rayed for $40. It was an awesome deal AND an awesome reminder about what I will NOT miss about Utah County.

Me: (sits down in dental chair)

Hygienist: So...what do you do?

Me: I'm completing my pre-requisites to go to graduate school. I want to be a physician's assistant.

Dental Hygienist: Oh that's great! Okay, let's have a look here. (I open my mouth) Looks like you have a scar on your forehead, another scar on your chin, a canker sore on the edge of your lips, and...oh! there's another canker on your gums. Do you get those a lot?

Me: (feeling attractive) Um....yeah....

Dental Hygienist: Soooo...you said you're going to go to graduate school?

Me: Yep

DH: Wait, are you going or did you mean your husband?

Me: (confused look)

DH: Oh silly me! You're not married! You're not wearing a ring!

I wanted to sarcastically say "Yeah, the silliest assumption you made today was that I'm married," but I didn't because I didn't want her to angrily poke me in the gums with that metal scraper thingy.

Chanukah

Today a 2nd grade girl gave a presentation to the rest of the class about Chanukah. I was really worried about the reaction of the LDS and Catholic kids when the whole "Jewish people don't believe Jesus was the Messiah" thing came up, however, things started out really well.

2nd grade boy: So, if you burn the candles down every night, how do you not run out of candles in eight nights?

2nd grade girl giving presentation: Well...we buy more than eight candles at the store.

2nd grade boy: OOOOHHHHHH

Later

2nd grade girl: Do the candles have to be certain colors?

Girl giving presentation: No, they can be any color you want!

Me (SO GRATEFUL the kids are more focused on candles than Jesus): Okay, any last questions?

2nd grade boy raises his hand

Me: Yes, Randall?

2nd grade boy: The other night my dad and I were reading the Bible, and it says that the Jews were the ones that killed Jesus.

I think it's the first time I've AUDIBLY groaned after a student has said something.

A New Low

Today when my alarm when off I told myself that if I got out of bed I could eat a cookie.

I can't believe I've resorted to bribing myself with snack foods to get out of bed in the morning.

I'm pretty sure I'm regressing in this game we call life.

If I could prosecute guys like this...

I would ALMOST consider being a prosecuting attorney.

He has money stained with dye and a gun in his car, but he thinks he's hot stuff for "creatively" disposing of the stick up note...BRILLIANT!

** And when I say "creatively," I really mean stupidly...as in stupidly eating your way to ANOTHER felony ((1) bank robbery, (2) tampering with evidence).

*** Don't miss the look on his face at 0:33!!!

YouTube Video of the Week - Ant and Dec Pt 3

I love Ant and Dec because they send small children to interview stars like Victoria Beckham when they're "too busy."

Highlight of the interview:

Small child to Victoria Beckham: What does conceived mean?

Victoria: Conceived means...where....where...where....ummmmm

You know you teach in Herriman, Utah when...

Me: Which religious sect left England to escape religious persecution and later formed the Plymouth colony?

Several Students: The Mormons!

Me: No, that religion was not invented yet...try again.

Girl: Um...LDS??

Me: No...there are other religions guys!!

Students: (blank stares)

Finally, one musters the courage to speak:

Boy: Buddhists?

Me: No

Girl: Christians??

Several Students: Yeah! Christians!!

Me: No, um...that's too broad. Try again.

One boy eventually said "Puritans," but it took us about five minutes to get there.

R.I.P.

The twins were voted off of X factor this weekend.

I will miss the way they made me laugh and my ears cry.

Today was a good day at school...

because no one decided to amputate their own mole with safety scissors.

Why I'm done with dating

I recently turned down a guy who asked me out b/c

1) During our conversation he told me that he fully expects to go from dating to engaged in 2 weeks,

2) I know for a fact the last girl he went on a date with told him to never call or speak to her again after they watched a movie alone in his basement, and

3) I met him at his family's bbq and after 3 hours of him never leaving my side, scooting his lawn chair so close to mine that the arms overlapped, and finding any excuse to touch my arm and/or leg and/or lower back, I decided it was WAY past the time for me to go home. As I walked to my car, one of his relatives caught up to me and said "everyone in the house is talking about you guys and how inappropriate he was." The mere thought of his whole family inside their house talking about me made me want to crawl under a rock and die of awkwardness.

4) When I got home 10 minutes later, I saw that he had added me on facebook. I didn't add him.

5) In spite of my non-add on facebook, he had his cousin ask me a week later if I would go out with him...I said no.

6) A month later, I found out he was still pestering people for info about me (in spite of #4 and #5 above). Also, he's trying to arrange it so that we will bump into each other at social engagement. WTF?

Needless to say, I'm trying to avoid all possible social situations where I could run into him again. Dinner at my house anyone?

John and Edward Pt 2

I try to save YouTube videos for Thursdays, but John and Edward's performance on the X Factor Saturday night warrants a non-Thursday video post. I think you'll agree b/c:

1) The shiny suits are back! This time complete with mirrored sequins!

2) The vocal coaches at X Factor must be miracle workers b/c I only shuddered ONCE during the entire 3 minute performance (Actually, it might not be miracle work as much as the fact that the coaches finally decided to go with the flow/face reality: "If you can't say the rap part fast enough to stay on rhythm just use half words! Saying 'fel' instead of 'felony' sounds great! No one will notice!").

3) However, the dance coaches might need to start applying for other jobs as demonstrated by John (or was it Edward?) nearly falling on his face 3 seconds into the performance and the disturbing conga line that formed at 1:27. On the other hand, part of the reason I watch this show is for the bad dance moves, so maybe the choreographers need a raise...

4) I was halfway through the thought "Why are John and Edward performing all these MC Hammer/Vanilla Ice moves?" when I was accosted by four backup dancers wearing hammer pants, two-toned suits with no shirts underneath, and shoulder pads. Then, because there is a God, these four dancers were joined by ten other other dancers who were just as awesomely attired.

5) Someone from the audience jumps onstage and starts dancing with the boys around 2:27. If you look closely, you'll see that he performs some kind of "dance" that involves slapping your butt while wearing a pineapple on your head...awesome.

Why the person who invented video chat sucks...

Note: All laughter in the exchange is PURELY sarcastic. "Friend" is in quotation marks b/c, as this post will demonstrate, her friendship with me is on thin ice.

Computer rings (instantly I am greeted with a 4 inch picture of my face that conveys to me EXACTLY how bad I look when I spend all day in sweatpants):

Me: Hello?

"Friend": Woah, ponytail and glasses...not much has changed since law school, huh?

Me: Haha...So, what's up?

"Friend": Not much, you?

Me: Same...just doing homework, eating guacamole, and drinking coke.

"Friend": Wow...nothing really has changed since law school.

Me: Haha (take a drink of coke...it spills down the side of my mouth and onto my left boob...crap...maybe she didn't see)

"Friend": Did you spit coke out the side of your mouth?!

Me: Ewwww!! Of course not! I just...missed...my...mouth. (Yeah, like that's better.)

In case you didn't notice...EVERYTHING INSULTING THAT HAPPENED TO ME DURING THIS PHONE CALL HAPPENED BECAUSE OF VIDEO CHAT. If she had just called me on the phone like a normal person, she never would have witnessed my horrible grooming standards or my inability to drink a beverage like a person who has progressed past the age of three.

Video chat 1, Self esteem 0

YouTube Video of the Week - Ant and Dec Pt 2

Reason #2 Why I Love Ant and Dec

They "punked" celebrities before "punking" was actually invented.

Background: Ant and Dec know Simon Cowell from when they hosted the British version of "American Idol."

Note: The actually fake audition starts at 4:30 if you want to skip ahead, but the build up to the audition itself is hilarious, so I recommend watching it as well.

Goals For Next Week

Me (finishing lesson): Are there any questions?

9th grade boy: Are those the same pants you wore yesterday?

Me: Of course not. (This statement is a TOTAL LIE.)

I internally groan as I realize that I'm going to have to start paying more attention to which pair of black pants I throw on when I roll out of bed (practically comatose) at 6:00am. I'm still feeling really sorry for myself when I stop to wonder why this boy is so observant of my attire. I conclude that he is either a) really into fashion or b) staring at my butt.

Instantaneously, my mind flashes back to when I left school on Thursday. As I exited my classroom, I saw this boy and Tawnee from my 7th period class in some kind of weird hormonal embrace complete with swaying and butt touching. Question answered. Crap.

As I snap back into real time and quickly try to change the subject to something related to the lesson, I realize the boys in the class are having a frantic debate on exactly how the pink sweater I'm currently wearing is different than the pink sweater I wore the day before.

Boy 1: The one yesterday had those silver and blue threads woven into it.

Boy 2: No, they were green threads not blue.

Boy 3: It also had that weird collar. (cowl neck)

As I fully realize why they know exactly what my sweaters look like, I make two promises to myself:

1) Stop asking "Are there any questions?" after I finish a lesson.

2) Wear a parka while teaching.

YouTube Video of the Week - Ant and Dec

Ant and Dec are quite possibly my two favorite television presenters ever. Over the next few weeks I'll be showing you why...

Reason #1:

I love Ant and Dec because they berate small children on national television, and the parents of the small children still love them!!! How talented is that??!!

Note: These clips are from the 1990s when Ant and Dec hosted a Saturday morning kids show (SMTV). The object of the game they are playing is to guess the name of the stuffed animal based on its appearance (for example, the donkey they show at the beginning is missing a leg, so its name is "Wonkey Donkey"). IMPORTANT: The name of the animal MUST RHYME.

Because sometimes I love my sweatpants too much...

There's nothing I love more than chilling out while wearing a comfy sweatshirt, sweatpants, and my hair in a ponytail. Unfortunately, sometimes I do this too much. In other words, sometimes I rock the casual look so hard that I confuse small children and animals when I decide to actually dress up and go out.

3 year old I live with: Why is your hair not in a ponytail?

Me: Because I decided to wear it down...

3 year old: But you always wear your hair in a ponytail!!!

Me: Um....well, it's down right now.

3 year old: BUT WHY IS IT LIKE THAT?!?! WHY IS IT SO LONG?!?!

Me:...

3 year old: BUT IT'S ALWAYS IN A PONYTAIL!!!!

To top off my self esteem, when I went to walk out the front door their dog started barking at me and wouldn't stop. Apparently it recognizes "Ponytail Stacey" but not "I washed and straightened my hair today Stacey." Awesome.

YouTube Video of the Week - Man Cold

Last week while I had a cold, I took an anatomy test, a physiology test, and an anatomy lab practical (the cold actually came in really handy as it prevented me from actually smelling the cadavers...SICK). I also substitute taught 3 days (before I realized I was sick...I'm very good at denying these things) and babysat some of my friend's kids (don't worry, they were the ones that gave me the cold, so I didn't infect them).

This week my friend Stephanie has a cold. She taught four days of school in English and Spanish, worked on lesson plans, held parent/teacher conferences, and attended classes at night to obtain her gifted learner teaching credential.

Her boyfriend Caleb also has a cold. He hasn't left the house in 5 days. Also, having any conversation with him that does not include the topic of "my head hurts" proves difficult.

9th Grade Vocab Lesson: Part 2

Scene: I'm reviewing commonly misused words with the 9th graders. Examples of this would include: accept/except, council/counsel, that/who, then/than, etc.

Me: Okay, so the next two commonly confused words are "that" and "who." Remember to use "who" with humans, for example, "Anyone who wants a piece of gum can have one," but use "that" with non-humans and objects. For example, "The horse that I bought yesterday."

(sarcastic snickering from the back of the class)

Me: Um...can I help you guys back there? What's so funny?

Note: The boy I called on says the following in this "game, set, match" kind of voice. I wouldn't have been surprised if after delivering this sentence he had gotten out of his seat, high fived his buddies, and yelled "in your face!!"

Boy: We just want to know how it's possible that a horse isn't human.

Me:......

Boy: I mean, it's alive.

Me:......

After all the hell this boy has put me through, I really wanted to laugh in his face. However, I'm the teacher, and I have to be responsible.

So I let the students laugh in his face while I stood there calming explaining that a horse is an animal and not a human.

On a side note, how am I supposed to teach kids the difference between "affect" and "effect" if they don't know the difference between humans and animals?!?!?!

9th Grade Vocab Lesson: Part 1

Female 9th Grader: (laughing so hard she can barely breathe)

Male 9th Grader: She's having a Caesar!!!!

Me: (laughing so hard I can barely breathe) Matthew, Caesar was a dictator of the Roman Empire. I think you meant 'she's having a seizure.'

YouTube Video of the Week - John and Edward

I have to admit, when I first saw one of my favorite acts on the current season of X factor, I thought they were crap. Mostly because they are, in fact, crap.

But somehow they made it to the live show, and now I love to watch them every week because...

1) They wear fabulous outfits.

2) They accidently punch each other in the face when attempting generic dance moves.

3) Every week as the show gets closer to the final, I LOVE LOVE LOVE to watch the horror on Simon's face as he realizes he might have to give these two a million pound recording contract.

**Note: If your ears can make it to the 1:00 mark, you'll be well rewarded.

My New Subbing Plan

9th Grader to me: You could probably kill someone with one of those stilettos.

Me: That's why I wore them.

And again....

4th period class

Me: So does anyone have any questions about the resume assignment?

(student raises hand)

Me: Yes?

Student: Are you married?

Me: (puts head down on desks, ponders how teachers ever get ANYTHING done)

Another Day Another Dollar

I've been subbing in South Salt Lake a lot this school year, which so far has been a refreshing experience compared to subbing in downtown Salt Lake. Unlike downtown Salt Lake City, students in South Jordan seem capable of watching movies and completing word-searches without carving gang symbols into their desks. Also, students in South Jordan don't hit on me as often, which is awesome because then I don't feel like a pedophile on days I sub there.**

However, I have to hand it to the ghetto Salt Lake kids, I never ran into this problem when I subbed in that district.

Me: (wearing University of Kentucky sweatshirt)

15 year old: So did you go there for college?

Me: No, but I'm from there.

15 year old: Oh, are you scared to go back?

Me: (confused) Um....why?

15 year old: Well, it's in Texas, right?

Me: Um....no, it's a state.

15 year old: Oh.....

I really wanted to ask her why Texas is "scary," but I was too busy attempting to act professional and not laugh at her.

**Note: Ten minutes after posting this two students asked me for my phone number...wtf?!?!

Soooo...

I don't want to start this on too self-deprecating a note, but this is the most recent amusing story in my life.

Tonight I was picking up some friends at the airport from a weekend in New York City, and the following conversation ensued.

Darrin (married to Kristina): Hey Honey! Tell her what I found in the subway!

Kristina: Oh yeah! So we're standing in the subway, and I'm looking at the map all frustrated because I can't figure out where we're going when Darrin taps me on the shoulder and says, "Look what I found on the tracks!" It's a blackberry. He saw a blackberry on the tracks and crawled down to get it while I was looking at the map. Crazy, huh?

Me: Yeah, that's TOTALLY CRAZY!!

So I get them home where Kristina and I start talking in the kitchen. We're in mid-conversation when all of a sudden Darrin bursts out with:

Darrin: I have some weed.

Kristina and Me: (turn and look perplexed...Darrin and Kristina are LDS...not exactly the weed smoking type)

Darrin: Ha! It's a text message in the blackberry. (holds up phone that is definitely not a blackberry)

Me: (confused) Um...that's not a blackberry.

Kristina: It's the sim card from the blackberry. Darrin put the sim card from the blackberry into his phone because the blackberry was out of battery. Now he can read through the phone book and text messages to try to figure out who it belongs to.

Me: Where did Darrin get a lost blackberry?!?!

Kristina: In the subway! We already told you this!

Me: (realizing I was dumb enough to think Darrin crawled into the depths of the NYC subway system for a piece of fruit instead of a multi-hundred dollar piece of electronic equipment) Um...I think I should go home now.