You know you teach in Herriman, Utah when...

Me: Which religious sect left England to escape religious persecution and later formed the Plymouth colony?

Several Students: The Mormons!

Me: No, that religion was not invented yet...try again.

Girl: Um...LDS??

Me: No...there are other religions guys!!

Students: (blank stares)

Finally, one musters the courage to speak:

Boy: Buddhists?

Me: No

Girl: Christians??

Several Students: Yeah! Christians!!

Me: No, um...that's too broad. Try again.

One boy eventually said "Puritans," but it took us about five minutes to get there.

R.I.P.

The twins were voted off of X factor this weekend.

I will miss the way they made me laugh and my ears cry.

Today was a good day at school...

because no one decided to amputate their own mole with safety scissors.

Why I'm done with dating

I recently turned down a guy who asked me out b/c

1) During our conversation he told me that he fully expects to go from dating to engaged in 2 weeks,

2) I know for a fact the last girl he went on a date with told him to never call or speak to her again after they watched a movie alone in his basement, and

3) I met him at his family's bbq and after 3 hours of him never leaving my side, scooting his lawn chair so close to mine that the arms overlapped, and finding any excuse to touch my arm and/or leg and/or lower back, I decided it was WAY past the time for me to go home. As I walked to my car, one of his relatives caught up to me and said "everyone in the house is talking about you guys and how inappropriate he was." The mere thought of his whole family inside their house talking about me made me want to crawl under a rock and die of awkwardness.

4) When I got home 10 minutes later, I saw that he had added me on facebook. I didn't add him.

5) In spite of my non-add on facebook, he had his cousin ask me a week later if I would go out with him...I said no.

6) A month later, I found out he was still pestering people for info about me (in spite of #4 and #5 above). Also, he's trying to arrange it so that we will bump into each other at social engagement. WTF?

Needless to say, I'm trying to avoid all possible social situations where I could run into him again. Dinner at my house anyone?

John and Edward Pt 2

I try to save YouTube videos for Thursdays, but John and Edward's performance on the X Factor Saturday night warrants a non-Thursday video post. I think you'll agree b/c:

1) The shiny suits are back! This time complete with mirrored sequins!

2) The vocal coaches at X Factor must be miracle workers b/c I only shuddered ONCE during the entire 3 minute performance (Actually, it might not be miracle work as much as the fact that the coaches finally decided to go with the flow/face reality: "If you can't say the rap part fast enough to stay on rhythm just use half words! Saying 'fel' instead of 'felony' sounds great! No one will notice!").

3) However, the dance coaches might need to start applying for other jobs as demonstrated by John (or was it Edward?) nearly falling on his face 3 seconds into the performance and the disturbing conga line that formed at 1:27. On the other hand, part of the reason I watch this show is for the bad dance moves, so maybe the choreographers need a raise...

4) I was halfway through the thought "Why are John and Edward performing all these MC Hammer/Vanilla Ice moves?" when I was accosted by four backup dancers wearing hammer pants, two-toned suits with no shirts underneath, and shoulder pads. Then, because there is a God, these four dancers were joined by ten other other dancers who were just as awesomely attired.

5) Someone from the audience jumps onstage and starts dancing with the boys around 2:27. If you look closely, you'll see that he performs some kind of "dance" that involves slapping your butt while wearing a pineapple on your head...awesome.

Why the person who invented video chat sucks...

Note: All laughter in the exchange is PURELY sarcastic. "Friend" is in quotation marks b/c, as this post will demonstrate, her friendship with me is on thin ice.

Computer rings (instantly I am greeted with a 4 inch picture of my face that conveys to me EXACTLY how bad I look when I spend all day in sweatpants):

Me: Hello?

"Friend": Woah, ponytail and glasses...not much has changed since law school, huh?

Me: Haha...So, what's up?

"Friend": Not much, you?

Me: Same...just doing homework, eating guacamole, and drinking coke.

"Friend": Wow...nothing really has changed since law school.

Me: Haha (take a drink of coke...it spills down the side of my mouth and onto my left boob...crap...maybe she didn't see)

"Friend": Did you spit coke out the side of your mouth?!

Me: Ewwww!! Of course not! I just...missed...my...mouth. (Yeah, like that's better.)

In case you didn't notice...EVERYTHING INSULTING THAT HAPPENED TO ME DURING THIS PHONE CALL HAPPENED BECAUSE OF VIDEO CHAT. If she had just called me on the phone like a normal person, she never would have witnessed my horrible grooming standards or my inability to drink a beverage like a person who has progressed past the age of three.

Video chat 1, Self esteem 0

YouTube Video of the Week - Ant and Dec Pt 2

Reason #2 Why I Love Ant and Dec

They "punked" celebrities before "punking" was actually invented.

Background: Ant and Dec know Simon Cowell from when they hosted the British version of "American Idol."

Note: The actually fake audition starts at 4:30 if you want to skip ahead, but the build up to the audition itself is hilarious, so I recommend watching it as well.

Goals For Next Week

Me (finishing lesson): Are there any questions?

9th grade boy: Are those the same pants you wore yesterday?

Me: Of course not. (This statement is a TOTAL LIE.)

I internally groan as I realize that I'm going to have to start paying more attention to which pair of black pants I throw on when I roll out of bed (practically comatose) at 6:00am. I'm still feeling really sorry for myself when I stop to wonder why this boy is so observant of my attire. I conclude that he is either a) really into fashion or b) staring at my butt.

Instantaneously, my mind flashes back to when I left school on Thursday. As I exited my classroom, I saw this boy and Tawnee from my 7th period class in some kind of weird hormonal embrace complete with swaying and butt touching. Question answered. Crap.

As I snap back into real time and quickly try to change the subject to something related to the lesson, I realize the boys in the class are having a frantic debate on exactly how the pink sweater I'm currently wearing is different than the pink sweater I wore the day before.

Boy 1: The one yesterday had those silver and blue threads woven into it.

Boy 2: No, they were green threads not blue.

Boy 3: It also had that weird collar. (cowl neck)

As I fully realize why they know exactly what my sweaters look like, I make two promises to myself:

1) Stop asking "Are there any questions?" after I finish a lesson.

2) Wear a parka while teaching.

YouTube Video of the Week - Ant and Dec

Ant and Dec are quite possibly my two favorite television presenters ever. Over the next few weeks I'll be showing you why...

Reason #1:

I love Ant and Dec because they berate small children on national television, and the parents of the small children still love them!!! How talented is that??!!

Note: These clips are from the 1990s when Ant and Dec hosted a Saturday morning kids show (SMTV). The object of the game they are playing is to guess the name of the stuffed animal based on its appearance (for example, the donkey they show at the beginning is missing a leg, so its name is "Wonkey Donkey"). IMPORTANT: The name of the animal MUST RHYME.

Because sometimes I love my sweatpants too much...

There's nothing I love more than chilling out while wearing a comfy sweatshirt, sweatpants, and my hair in a ponytail. Unfortunately, sometimes I do this too much. In other words, sometimes I rock the casual look so hard that I confuse small children and animals when I decide to actually dress up and go out.

3 year old I live with: Why is your hair not in a ponytail?

Me: Because I decided to wear it down...

3 year old: But you always wear your hair in a ponytail!!!

Me: Um....well, it's down right now.

3 year old: BUT WHY IS IT LIKE THAT?!?! WHY IS IT SO LONG?!?!

Me:...

3 year old: BUT IT'S ALWAYS IN A PONYTAIL!!!!

To top off my self esteem, when I went to walk out the front door their dog started barking at me and wouldn't stop. Apparently it recognizes "Ponytail Stacey" but not "I washed and straightened my hair today Stacey." Awesome.